5 Love Languages- From a Black Gay male perspective– Tommy Cooper
As a Black culture, especially the Black LGBTQ subsector, we have experienced love differently from our counterparts. Growing up, I didn’t have the touchy-feely parents; their way of showing love was through laughter with an undercurrent of sarcasm. I learned how to read and sometimes be shady from an early age. Fortunately, saying I love you was abundant and meaningful, especially when walking out the door. Even today, I try my best to tell my partner I love him every time as he leaves for his workday, gym, or running errands. This intention might be second nature to others, when I was dating I found out that not everyone expressed their love the same way. Through trial and error and multiple unsuccessful attempts at finding my forever partner, I had to learn who I was before dating seriously. Like some Black LGBTQ people, I had trauma from past relationships, religious ideals, trust issues, and insecurities about my height, weight, and even my skin color, to name a few. These issues led to some self-care and self-discovery before I date again. It took about two years to understand who I was, what I wanted to improve about myself, and where I wanted to be emotionally, physically, and mentally. Through this self-discovery, I took almost every self-help quiz and read multiple books to gain a stable emotional footing. This self-discovery led me to learn my love language to explain how I wanted to be treated and loved.
The 2015 edition of “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts” by Gary Chapman helped me understand the meanings of love and how to express those intently. We all have different ways of showing love; therefore, we must understand how others perceive love and act according to their love language. This book identifies five love languages:
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
Once you have discovered your love language, it is now time to find your partner’s love language, or if you are dating multiple people, you can determine if they are a good match. As you find out their love language, you should adjust and pivot to more meaningful and intentional actions and conversations.
For example, if your partner’s love language is Receiving Gifts, you can buy them that cute Prada wallet or a new charcuterie tray. Words of Affirmation might not fulfill their love language. Who needs words when you can have a fancy gift!!
Love Language: Words of Affirmation
- How to communicate: Encourage, affirm, appreciate, empathize.
- Actions to take: Send an unexpected note, text, or card. Encourage genuinely and often.
- Avoid: Non-constructive criticism, not recognizing or appreciating the effort.
Love Language: Physical Touch
- How to communicate: Non-verbal – use body language and touch to emphasize love.
- Actions to take: Hug, kiss, hold hands, and show physical affection regularly. Make intimacy a thoughtful priority.
- Avoid: Physical neglect, long stints without intimacy, receiving affection coldly.
Love Language: Receiving Gifts
- How to communicate: Thoughtfulness, making your spouse a priority, and speaking purposefully.
- Actions to take: Give gestures and gifts thoughtfully, with and without a special occasion. Even small things matter in a big way. Express gratitude when you’re given a gift.
- Avoid: Forgetting special occasions.
Love Language: Quality Time
- How to communicate: Uninterrupted and focused conversations. One-on-one time is critical.
- Actions to take: Create special moments together, take walks, and do small things with your spouse. Weekend getaways are huge.
- Avoid Distractions when spending time together, long stints without focused one-on-one time.
Love Language: Acts of Service
- How to communicate: Use action phrases like “I will” and “I’ll help…”. They want to know you’re with them, partnered with them.
- Actions to take: Do chores together or make them breakfast in bed. Go out of your way to help alleviate their daily workload.
- Avoid: Making the requests of others a higher priority, lacking follow-through on tasks big and small.
Take the quiz- https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
My primary love language is Acts of Service, at 35%.
- 6% Physical touch
- 6% Receiving Gifts
- 19% Quality time
- 32% Words of Affirmation
I am torn between Acts of Service 35% and Words of Affirmation 32%; some days, I want my partner to assist in completing small tasks. Telling me, that I look good in my new outfit will always cheer me up. Either way, I found out that I need help every day, and I like compliments.
Southern Cooper 